True Feelings - A real close look at shame

I wrote this in October of last year and never published it. I was trying to sort out some feelings. After yesterday's post and talking about shame it felt appropriate to post it because it really embodies what kind of emotions causes resistance. Here it goes:

I am depressed

I am writing this as a confession of real feelings. Something I would never post publicly because I am too ashamed, embarrassed, and every other adjective that admits that I am not strong enough to pull myself out of this depression on my own.

I started this blog to pull myself out of my own weaknesses  out of depression and anxiety. At the time I started it I was working in a job that I label as high pressure (IT tech in a call center) job, even though I am sure there are higher pressure jobs out there. My job stressed me the hell out and I wanted to accomplish something more so I started writing to give myself an outlet, the original purpose of the blog was just to have an outlet for whatever and not care about who read it. I posted random thoughts, funny pictures, things I thought that were neat about productivity, pictures I took, etc. It became an outlet for my own interests. In addition to the blog I took pictures, kept journals, prayed, went to church, read the bible, and had daily reminders to keep me on path.

Over time the process worked well. It wasn't a planned process but it was action. Action to move me forward and to keep me productive helping me to train towards improvement and a path of defined purpose. It had it's ups and downs but because there was a process I was present enough to respond to those by journaling, looking for help, even seeing counselors on occasion.

Along the way I made some accomplishments that when reflecting on now I feel good about. At work I headed up and completed projects taking on a leadership role in my department. I wasn't perfect and really let the stress get to me a times but I made some real strides at times and for those I feel really good about. In my relationships I made new friends and worked to maintain my existing ones, this lead to reconciling things with an ex girlfriend and forming a strong friendship with her that outshines our failed relationship, forgiving grudges I had maintained for a long time, and made new friendships to support spirituality, productivity,and creativity. In my personal life I helped make milestones including get out of debt, help my family get out of debt, move out on my own, and get in shape losing a lot of weight. My biggest accomplishment I made along the way was to accept that God is asking me to get on the path to seminary and possibly the ministry and start moving towards that path.

Two years ago in the same month I lost my job and my brother committed suicide. I had to move back home. It hit hard but I was still motivated so I resolved myself to embrace unemployment as a gift (I even called it funemployment at the time) and that I wouldn't let it stop me. I continued school for a year and completed my transfer credit so I am all ready to start moving towards to my bachelors!

But no, I have not moved forward. For the past year I have been spinning my wheels.

While reading this I get a sinking feeling in my heart. I am reminded of the shame I felt and still feel some shame for what I describe as spinning my wheels for a year. Wasting time.

How do I deal with the shame? 

What was the reality of the situation?

 I was feeling really low. Resistance had been really strong that year. I had experience the psychic trauma of losing my job and two family members (I lost a very young cousin to a failed heart at the same time) in the same month just two years before in the same month, October.

Had I handled it well? 

This is a hard question to answer because the shame clouds my outlook on myself. I leaned pretty hard on my parents but I have been working for them as a household manager (coined this term recently because it has been hard for me to explain to people what I do from day to day, finances, organization, errands and bill paying.) and have stayed home quite a bit with my step father who took ill this year. I have trouble taking credit for this stuff as a good thing because I feel like I am just doing what I am supposed to be doing.

What kind of outcome do I want?

This is another hard question. One of the problems with shame is the feeling that I don't deserve to get what I want. How do I deal with that? Prayer.

My Prayer

Dear Lord,
What do I do? Please give me the words for this prayer because my thoughts are so shrouded by shame that I need them. 

Please help me to have the strength to get past shame. Please remind me that you died for my sins and I know longer have need for shame, guilt, or worry. Remind me that all my strengths comes from you and rather then pushing myself, I can fall into your arms and let you carry me. 

Father God, please fill me with your spirit and show me your will. Please make it plain as I have never been good at noticing it on my own. Thank you for being there for me Lord and reminding me that you are always there. Help me to stay in prayer and not turn my back on you Lord.
In your ever present Holy Name Lord,
Amen 

This was a very hard post to write but I do feel better. Just the fact that I was able to write this down is a sign that God is helping me and I have hope that I can move forward and accomplish some good prayerful outcomes this year. I like that -  prayerful outcomes. It seems like God is answering my prayers already. Future posts will have to continue to explore shame, motivation, guilt, fear, and this new term - prayerful outcomes.

Thanks Lord.

Words of Comfort

Originally I was going to write a big essay on the subject of bad feelings such as depression, doubt, guilt, etc. This isn't because I have been in a particularly bad or good place so if you know me in person - disclaimer - do not worry, I am simply writing about normal feelings that we all experience on occasion.

When it came down to it I realized that I didn't need to write a lot, I just had to revisit the word and retrieve some comforting words.

1.  Matthew 6:25 -  “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?


While we may not be able to consciously control our worries, it gives me comfort to know that Jesus has directly said not to worry, and not only not to worry about small things but not to worry about the things we require to survival. 


2. Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Worrying about the future is an unnecessary sin. one of the most valuable things I have ever been told is that worrying is a sin. When I was originally told this I got upset to the point of anger, "I can't help but worrying so it's unfair that doing it is a sin!" Then I thought about it I realized worry is thoughts, images and emotions of a negative nature in which mental attempts are made to avoid anticipated potential threats. Worry is a distrust, a reliance on our own anticipation of an imagined threat then staying prayerful and trusting in God. How do I handle worrying? Trust in God, focus on the word and pray even though it is hard. 



3. These feelings always reminds me of what Paul said in Romans 7:14–25


14 We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. [a] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.



21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 25
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature [b] a slave to the law of sin. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!


Paul writes about the frustration with sin which I can equate directly to worry in my life. Thing I do that I do not want to do is worry, I want to trust in God and yet I drift back into trying to make sense of life myself. What I can do is dive into the word which let's the Lord talk to me and reassure me that he is always there whether I am trusting him or not, he reassures me that i am forgiven even if I drift back into sin. After being reassured I can be like Paul and proclaim "Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!"


In conclusion, depression, worry, pain, and any of life's rigors whether they are triggered by an event or happening for no reason at all can be crazy. Thank God for God! Through the word and prayer we can be reminded to accept his embrace, he loves us and is helping us even though we are trying to do it on our own.


My prayer: 


Dear Lord, in the inevitable time that I fall away from me, please help me to remember that you are there. When things are going insane in my life please help me to be still and wait upon the strength you will bring that will come. Thank you for everything you have done, are doing, and will do. Praise to you in Heaven! 


In your ever present Holy Name,


Amen 

Being Happy is a Choice

Is being happy a choice? When I have felt unhappy in the past it definitely did not feel like a choice but there have been things that have helped me get through an unhappy or depressed period that we do have the choice to take.

• Look up a friend and talk to them, let them know you are unhappy and talk about it.
• Smile on purpose - Even if you are unhappy smiling or laughing on purpose can help.
• Write a gratitude journal - often for me, being unhappy can result from dwelling on negative feelings and negatives occurences. Try writing 5 things you are grateful for that happened during the day each night (or in the morning, whatever works best for your schedule).
• Pray - the Lord's love is with you even in a bad time; he loves you when you have done something wrong and feel guilty, and he loves you when you are depressed. Talk with him.

Being happy might not feel voluntary at times but we can choose to do something about it. By taking action we are choosing to be happy, by not we choose unhappiness.