2013 - Writers Block and Cliches

It feels like a cliche to be writing the, "haven't written in a while" post. I see a lot of blogs that go on long hiatuses and I see this kind of post a lot. The cliche phrases are:

• I haven't written in a while due to ___________ personal problem and I want to get back into it.
• I found myself getting into a rut in my blog and I am starting over with new content
• This blog is going to have a brand new purpose (now that I haven't written in a while and I want to be a blogger again)
• More of the same vein.

All of these reasons and excuses come to one word - Shame. Looking at the blog causes pain due to the feelings of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, and disgrace of not being the person I was when I was posted regularly. I look at past posts of this blog and think "boy there is a lot of good content of content on there. Who wrote that?" and I try to get back into it and I just can't come up with the content that I use to. The fact is, I am not the blogger I used to be, I am a different man now and in order to start writing again, it's time to start thinking about it.

Who was I back when I was writing regularly?
Let's sum it up in a parargraph:
When I was writing regularly I worked in a high pressure corporate job in an IT management position. I used the blog as a tool to express my solutions for struggles in that job; those struggle included stress, anxiety, and depression. The tools I shared were physical (breathing, physical, yoga, etc), mental (meditation, mnemonics, etc), and spiritual (prayer, devotions, Bible Study).  I was a strong Christian (still am) and was on the path to seminary(still am) and used my faith to solve a lot of my problems and used the blog to show those prayers, devotions, and ideas.

Who am I now?
This is a much tougher paragraph to write:
2 years ago I was laid off from my job. in the same month I had two deaths in the family. Since then I have moved in with my parents. I live with my Mom, my step dad, and his brother. I am a volunteer Organized play RPG coordinator, I am a student, I am a nature photographer, and I am the home manager for my parents because my step dad is very ill and I help him and my mom around the house. I have finished my associates degree and am currently working on being able to go to university for my bachelors and then seminary after.

So let's talk about shame. I haven't regularly written in a long time and a lot of that has to do with shame. I wrote on this blog about resistance a lot before and for me, the resistance won and a lot of that had to do with shame. I am embarrassed about living at home, I am embarrassed that school is slow, and I feel a lot of shame that I am not doing "it" right.;"it" is life in this case.

With the new year starting I am through with shame. I spent 2 years defeated by  life and the things that happened to me and I am done with that. I am not going to set a goal of how often I am going to write, I am not going to set a daily routine or set expectations of myself. I do want to think of myself as a writer again. I want to write and I want to build the motivation to start doing it again. Why? Because it makes me feel good. it feels good to express myself on a blog, to share tools and techniques I have learned that helped me, to hope that I am helping others, and most importantly to share God's word.

My Affirmation:
I am a writer, and I write often. I write about resistance, faith, getting things done, photography, creativity, art,shame, ways and plans for managing shame, anger, pain,  and anything else that comes from my heart. Whether it is positive stuff or negative stuff, I write about it.

My Prayer:
Dear Lord,
I confess that I have surrendered to shame. I have surrendered to Satan's resistance from what I need to do and instead I want to surrender to your will. Thank you for the motivation to write this and giving the gift of not having to feel shame, worry, anxiety, or any of the other fruits of sin. Thank you for the spirit to replace that with strength, and the will to follow yours.

In your ever present holy name,

Amen

Being a Public Future Pastor

This post is about my current educational goals, my feelings about how people react to those goals, my analysis of these reactions, and how I plan to react.
My current educational goals are to complete my BA in theology in order to move on to seminary. I have made this choice based on the results of prayer and the fact that I feel most in touch with God when I am talking about his word. One of the challenges I have run into are the conflicted feelings I experience about being public about this choice. I have found that telling people what my goals are causes them to look upon me differently and this can be hard to deal with.
When I am at the college and exchanging ideas about educational choices, very often someone will ask me what my major is. When I tell them it is in theology they ask me what I plan to do with that major, when I tell them, things get interesting as I immediately notice them change their behavior, they might even avert eye contact. Sometimes they might get a little hostile as they feel this is an appropriate time to tell me exactly how they feel about the church. Emotionally it can be hard to deal with because I have always been sensitive about what others think.
I believe that reactions like this have to do with people's perspective of the clergy, people's own self judgement when they discover my goal involves the church which is thought of my many as a "noble" or "higher" goal, and a general surprise and uncertainty of what to say when their outlook of me changes.
I believe that my reaction to these people should be with understanding and patience and to be considered prayerfully. The road to becoming a pastor is a long hard one and being a pastor is not going to be easy. Approaching these kinds of tests critically, prayerfully, and with love and compassion will give me opportunities to witness, and help me to grow stronger in my path.
In conclusion, I am proud of my chosen path. I feel confident that I am choosing the path God wants me to get on. He has made it clear to me that even though the end of the path is still unknown, the path is the most important thing for me to be on. I look forward to learning how to understand other people's opinions and reactions with compassion.

My Prayer:
Father God,
Thank you for the gifts you have given me in life. thank you for the ability to analyse situations like this and approach them with understanding. Please continue to guide me in spirit and help me to be strong on this long road ahead.
Amen.