I posted about my friend Matt's suicide a while back. I was reading my good friend Tara's post about continuing through grief and it made me realize that since Matt died I have been trying hard to continue with the motions thinking that will make things better. Acting as if nothing happened doesn't work. I wrote about how wonderful Matt was but I never wrote about what happened.
After Matt's death in October I was absolutely devastated, it hit me hard but I bottled it up quick because so much was going on. I started to post the same old stuff I always posted but the real truth was I didn't want to post about all my insecurities and problems because I didn't want to admit weakness because to me I was mad at Matt for being weak and taking the cowards way out; that thought only brought me shame because I love Matt and miss him and don't want to have any bad thoughts about him.
Right now all of my bad feelings need to be expressed and I don't mean a bunch of ranting on my blog about how mad at Matt I am but an honest confession about how I feel. A lot happened all at once: Matt's suicide, I lost my job, and I made a commitment to becoming a pastor. Every single one of these things is terrifying. I love Matt for who he was and a lot of that had to do with what we had in common. Matt's suicide brings out fears that I will give in the same as him and cause so much pain to those around me. It also brings out a lot of emotions, losing my job left me without a predicable security in my life, and my commitment to becoming a pastor started a new path and with it all the doubt and insecurity associated with a new path.
Thanks Tara for helping me to be honest with myself, I hadn't realized that I have been wrestling with grief since October and I will be a whole let better off expressing it.
Thank you Lord for putting the desire to follow your will in my life and thank you for giving me the gift of a known path. Please Lord continue to help me to have the strength to follow your will.